Bench Memo — Selection of Exhibits
Which Epstein Class shirt?
Full disclosure, as always: this is the house guide to our own catalog — we made all of it, and we’d like you to buy some. What follows is the honest version of which exhibit fits which person, written the way we’d tell a friend.
Pick 01 — Best first shirt — the thesis
TOP VS. BOTTOM — Heavyweight Tee — $38
Exhibit A for a reason. “Not left vs. right. Top vs. bottom.” is the whole argument in six words, readable across a room, and it starts more conversations than it ends. If someone owns one Epstein Class shirt, it's this one.
Review the exhibit →Pick 02 — The one that names the class
THE REAL EPSTEIN CLASS — Tee — $38
The shirt that says the term outright. For the person who wants the phrase itself on record — no decoding required.
Review the exhibit →Pick 03 — The tax-season statement
WE PAY TAXES TO THE EPSTEIN CLASS — Tee — $38
“We pay taxes to the Epstein Class. They pay settlements.” The angriest shirt in the catalog, built to be photographed. Pairs with its sibling, FORM 1040-EC, for the bureaucracy-humor wing of the family.
Review the exhibit →Pick 04 — The subtle one — for work and airports
NOT ON THE LIST — Dad Hat — $32
A dad hat that says “NOT ON THE LIST.” Reads as a joke until it doesn't. The most wearable entry point for someone who isn't ready to be a billboard.
Review the exhibit →Pick 05 — The cold-weather flagship
[REDACTED] — Heavyweight Hoodie — $68
[REDACTED] across the chest of a heavyweight hoodie. The best-looking piece in the catalog and the one that survives being worn three days straight.
Review the exhibit →Pick 06 — The bipartisan gift
FINALLY. SOMETHING BIPARTISAN. — Tee — $38
“FINALLY. SOMETHING BIPARTISAN.” The safest gift in the store — it works whether the recipient votes red, blue, or refuses to discuss it at dinner. That's the point of it.
Review the exhibit →Pick 07 — The under-$15 test drive
EVIDENCE — Sticker Pack of 5 — $12
Five stickers, twelve dollars. Laptop, water bottle, someone else's laptop. The cheapest way into the case file, and the obvious gateway.
Review the exhibit →Pick 08 — For the collector — the Club Capsule
THE EPSTEIN CLASS — Club Tee — $40
The four-presidents ensemble capsule: the club, not the party. The satire drop for people who want the limited run, with a matching hoodie, hat, mug and print in the same filing.
Review the exhibit →
Questions from the Bench — Answered on the Record
What is an Epstein Class shirt?
Protest apparel from EPSTEIN CLASS (Case No. 001 of the CLASS ACTION project) — heavyweight tees, hoodies and hats built around one thesis: it's not left vs. right, it's top vs. bottom. “The Epstein Class” names a social class — the tier the rules don't apply to — not any private living individual.
What's the best Epstein Class shirt?
Our own first recommendation is the TOP VS. BOTTOM heavyweight tee ($38) — the brand's thesis in six words. For the phrase itself, THE REAL EPSTEIN CLASS tee; for a statement, WE PAY TAXES TO THE EPSTEIN CLASS.
Are these shirts left-wing or right-wing?
Neither, on purpose. The catalog attacks both parties symmetrically — that is the entire premise. There is literally a shirt called FINALLY. SOMETHING BIPARTISAN.
How long does shipping take?
Everything is printed to order and arrives in 5–10 business days, US only for now. Defective or misprinted items are reprinted or refunded within 30 days.
The full catalog is filed by exhibit type — shirts & hoodies, hats, and objects. New to the term itself? Start with what “the Epstein Class” means.
EPSTEIN CLASS is political satire and commentary. “The Epstein Class” names a social class, not any private living individual. Prices shown are pulled from the live catalog at build time.